I faced my first-ever finals week as a college student with an unusual problem. I had several major essays and a video project due— which I’d already completed. I had a big test for Music class coming up— which I’d already studied for. I had nothing to do. Most people would think of this as a good thing. But at the time, when I was already in emotional turmoil for various other reasons, it was kind of devastating. I was lonely— all my friends were busy cramming for finals. I knew they were going through a challenging time and wanted to participate in it alongside them, but I couldn’t. Because I was different from every other student. I realized I had an unusual gift. I wrote an essay in four hours that my roommate needed four days to complete. But this ability left me feeling out of place in the school community, because I was unable to feel the same pressure and intensity that everyone else was feeling. I also felt excluded from the tremendous sense of relief and victory that appeared once finals ended. My classmates and I had all completed the same tasks, but they’d had to climb a mountain. I’d gone for a walk in the park. I managed to make myself feel isolated. And even though my feelings were out-of-touch with reality, as my friends all continued to love and accept me, it was a troubling time all the same. Over Christmas break, I wondered if I really belonged at college, or if I ought to focus my time and energy on completing some more important task. I could never identify what exactly the ‘more important task’ was that I should be doing, but surely I was wasting my time by pursuing a liberal arts degree at a nearly-unknown school In the midst of all these thoughts, I kept listening to this song. It’s called ‘Tug of War’, by Juli Strawbridge. https://youtu.be/74HJaPaVjNE ’Tug of War’ resonated with me in a special way. You see, Juli Strawbridge is a graduate of my college, and she wrote this song for her friend and fellow student Ethan, who had become my good friend as well. And I thought, “well, if someone else could feel the same uncertainty I feel, in a very similar situation, and come to peace with that, maybe I can too.” And so, after spending Christmas break with my family in California and seriously considering dropping out of college, I decided instead to get on a plane back to Tennessee and give it another chance. That’s how ‘Tug of War’, in addition to being one of my favorite songs ever, became one big reason I ended up spending the last five months in Tennessee. And I’m glad I did. A lot happened— including mold, snow, COVID, and my roommate forgetting to cook for months on end. But if you want those stories, you’ll have to come to Tennessee and talk with me and my classmates in person. The important thing is that I got a lot better at accepting my unique gifts, and even procrastinated a little bit so I’d have some work to do as finals approached. Everything turned out well.
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"In truth, by leaving, I was seeking only one thing. A journey."
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